Where is the Magic.. err the Power?

Okay.. So this has to be one of the worst days ever of the past few weeks i can remember. I almost feel like throwing up at the thought how sh*t of a day it has been.. I dont resort to prafanities much even when i am in a helpless situation but today has to be one of those one off days when even profanities cannot help me calm down.. I am just not able to focus on my work or my home. My home or house rather looks like a dungeon and i have no energy to bring order to this CHAOS. When i am cleaning the house OA says why are u cleaning? and .. dont come near my work station.. and today he stood and pointed out how sh*t the house looks like and that i will feel better if i clean.. I mean seriously? Talk about men!

But i seriously cannot clean this up. What worries me the most is that my office work has piled up and i just cannot bring myself to get out of this block to get this going. On top of it i have an expensive exam that i bought fpr $450 at the beginning of the year and i need to get it done with next week. I am cursing myself for having spent so much money for something i have no interest in. I bought it under pressure hoping for better job prospects if i pass it. Well the chances of me passing this exam are 0%. U ask Why? because i just have not prepared anything.. I am so $%^&E* up!!!

I seriously need some divine intervention  to keep me going ..But JK Rowling said the power is within us.. i just cant seem to find it yet !!! 😦

 

Polymath and Silver linings playbook

Today was fairly uneventful. I spent most of the day wallowing in the feeling of a long weekend gone by. Browsed all over the place furiously switching between my phone and laptop, as if my day would not pass by if stopped browsing and actually started working. The mind needed a break and off i took for a walk around the woods to get some fresh air. It was a good walk- i always enjoy going for walks. The air was crisp and the roads were adorned with the fallen fall foliage .. like nature’s christmas decorations. Nature never fails to bring a smile on my face , it brings in the need to live, to try and go for another walk and explore another path and then ultimately i would like to believe that i would actuallly go on to bigger adventures…

The walk gave me the much needed clarity and i jumped into my work. The thoughts of the next few weeks kept trying to break in the rhythm and i gave in asking OA questions about his graduation. Dint want to dig deep into it.

And towards evening did exercise and just wen i was getting in to take a shower found out that there was no water. No water to drink nor shower- seems like an emergency maintenance. So went online and started browsing like crazy again. I am obsessed with food blogs and everytime i am going through one of them i eventually end up discovering several other blogs via the comments and now this has become a vicious cycle. ;). So to bring some clarity to this obsession i have added another page called “Nom Noms” on the blog which i hope to update with the wonderful blogs and the food that i discover as i go along..

Now coming back to the title of this post.. there are two things that i came across today that sort of stuck in my mind.

Polymath– a blogger on quora described himself as a wannabe polymath and i had not heard of this word and had to look up. It means ” a person of wide-ranging knowledge or learning”

Onto Silver Linings playbook, now this is a movie i am sure many of you must have watched. I did too and apart from the vague story that i can remember i do recollect that i liked the movie. And this movie popped up today on an article that said “movies that every couple should watch”. On to the question “Why you should watch this movie” it said ” Because your faults as an individual should not distance you. Your craziness should bring you together..” Beautiful lines whoever wrote this.. That explains why am still stuck with OA i guess..?

 

Today

I created this blog to penn down all my thoughts as freely as i can but the very thought to be open and bare it all is all too scary and this combined with me best companion laziness has stopped me from posting anything all these days. But let me take a jab at this…

So today was supposed to be a day to host a friend and his recently arrived bro in law. I had plans to make karaikudi style briyani [a really good recipe that i found online and tried once and was awesome] and some payasam and if time permitted some tuna cutlets. I got up late [as usual] and slowly moved into the kitchen and cursed myself for not cleaning up the pile of dishes in the sink. Like every day when i plan smething and make something else- i planned to make bread and eggs for brunch and ended up making kutty dosha and potato egg stew. It was while i was making silently making bfast that OH announced that he doubts if the college will let him graduate this Dec. With 2 weeks left and me excited about dressing up and cheering him on his graduation, this came as a damper, not as a shock. We knew we were treading on a fine line and were hopeful.

I called up the friend and cancelled the plans coz the OH was feeling miserable and i felt helpless. I cannot do anything at this point other than to ask him to do his best on the upcoming exams and take it day by day.

At this point i have sort of become numb to the set backs that have come up. It has sort of become the way of life. Of course there is the occasional tear that rolls down the cheek or the once in a while wailing like a child but barring that i have come to accept things to be. All i know is that i have to keep going. I do feel sometimes OH could have done things a little differently but then such discussions do not end on a good note. And i do not want to get them to become violent like they have in the past. He does have a lot going on with his failing vision and the pressure of studying but if he cannot graduate this year i know life is going to be very different and harder than it is.

Well, that is life.

So here is to another few weeks of uncertainity and courage to go on!